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While many bottoms don’t mind (or even crave!) larger guys, if you’ve gotten feedback even from bottom guys who want you to penetrate them but your anatomy makes them uncomfortable, it’s important to respond to that. If you are, indeed, well-endowed (meaning that you have a large (long or thick or both) penis, then a fear of hurting your partner might be justified, particularly if it’s from experience. To start, we have to separate “real” fears from neurotic, anxious ones that aren’t realistic. Let’s look at each of these in turn:ġ) Fear of Hurting a Partner – I’ve heard from guys in my practice, particularly younger gay men who are still a bit new to sex, or at least new to certain kinds of sex, that they have a fear of topping because they might be well-endowed and fear hurting their partner when they want to make them feel good. These fears, in my observation over many years in practice, are these: 1) hurting a partner physically 2) not being “butch” or “dominant” enough to meet some kind of expectation from their partner 3) fear of erectile dysfunction (ED) to get and sustain an erection long enough to reach orgasm (for himself, and perhaps his bottom, too) 4) not satisfying his bottom partner and 5) not knowing “how” to control and manipulate his bottom in various positions or variety. It’s not because they just don’t like it (which is fine, by the way!), but it’s that they want to be the active, penetrating partner in anal intercourse, and perhaps even crave it as a sexual need and desire, but they have a neurotic anxiety that prevents them from accessing this part of their sexual selves. In this part, we look at gay men who have a fear of topping. Lots of material written by therapists exists for straight men, and gay men can sometimes “translate” these for a partial benefit, but there is little material written by a licensed psychotherapist that addresses sexual issues in more candid detail. These sexual fears hinder gay men from a more robust quality of life, because they hinder having a more robust sex life they go together. My clients seem relieved that they have someplace to go to discuss these things with a professional. I’ve been helping guys with sexual issues for almost my whole career, though, because most of my clients are gay men who feel more comfortable discussing very personal sexual issues with another gay man, especially one with a lot of experience and one who doesn’t shy away from frank discussions of intimate details. Lately, I’ve had more and more gay men come to me with issues more specifically about sex therapy, and currently as of this writing (June, 2019), I’m undergoing the education and supervision process to become a Certified Sex Therapist. I work with guys on lots of issues and disorders, such as depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, ADD, substance abuse recovery, dating skills, career planning, and couples in conflict. I’ve been a specialist in therapy and coaching for gay men for over 27 years, as individuals and couples. In this part, we look at gay men who have a fear of topping instead. In part one of this two-part article on gay men’s fears in sex, I discussed the fear of bottoming. The eggplant emoticon is often used online, such as in Instagram or gay apps like Grindr and Scruff, to connote a penis.